| I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there’s no money in there.  |
| I just read the ‘100 things to do before you die’ list… I’m surprised that ‘Call 911’ didn’t make the cut.  |
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out. I just came to this realization. |
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse brothel sprout |
Why don’t vampires bet on horses? They can’t handle the stakes. |
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon ? The drill slipped. |
If i have twin daughters, I’ll name one Katee and I’ll name the other “DUPLIKATE” |
Where to pirates get their hooks? The second hand store. |
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was “THE LOVE MACHINE”. I sucked at tennis. I call myself terms and conditions, because Y’ALL keep ignoring me.  |
Hear about the gay that dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts. |
What do a midget and dwarf have in common? Very little. |
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like, “What the Hellman?” |
| In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 74,015 trees. I know because I kept a log  |
